Tag Archives: marriage partnership

“We Were Made for This” Redux

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In the previous post titled We Were Made for This, I wrote about how traditional partner dancing affirms both masculinity and femininity. Recently, I realized that the title phrase has a much broader application than simply affirming individual gender roles.

The realization goes back to an epiphany I had while dancing a few years ago. As I was dancing in perfect synchronization with my partner and with the infectious music, I had a moment of revelation: “This is how you were created to live.”

That insight was a spark that ignited MarriageDance. Our Creator made us to dance.
Now, you might be thinking … I don’t dance. And while dance is my “thing” and I have no doubt I was made for it, I realize that everyone out there does not feel the same way. But whether or not you physically move to music, I believe dance embodies qualities of life that our Creator intends for everyone.

Dance is joyful and fun. It’s adventurous. Most people have some trepidation at one time or another about getting out on the dance floor, hence the common proverb, “Dance like no one is watching.”

There’s more to dance than what you see. I recently observed a dance competition, and I could tell a difference between those who were following a set of choreographed steps and those who were truly dancing. This “more than meets the eye” quality embodies a connection with something or someone beyond ourselves.

Our Creator made us for joy, adventure and a deep-rooted connection with Himself and with other people — including a notably distinct connection with a partner in marriage.

In the words of a best-selling country pop song recorded by Lee Ann Womack, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance — I hope you dance.”

Conversation without words

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In a blog post titled Friends with Benefits, Mark Driscoll, a pastor at Mars Hill Church in California, explains three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder and face-to-face. Here’s how he describes them:

A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live
separately and do not work together (shoulder to shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face to face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.

A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple

works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.

A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship and intimacy.

When I read this, I recognized a correlation with dance as a picture of marriage. Dancing with your spouse is primarily a face-to-face experience. If your marriage is characterized as back-to-back or shoulder-to-shoulder, dancing face-to-face with your partner may feel awkward, even invasive, at first. However, it could be a first step toward transforming your marriage to a deeper level. If your marriage is already characterized as face-to-face, then dancing can add a new element of intimacy and intrigue to your relationship.
The depth of intimacy is a key factor distinguishing these kinds of marriages. And as Driscoll  writes in his post, “intimacy is ultimately about conversing.” The topics of conversation in a relationship change as intimacy grows. Driscoll writes:

When a relationship becomes most intimate, we begin to share our feelings. We become vulnerable with someone, telling him or her not just what we do (facts) and what we believe (opinions), but who we are (feelings).

Dance is a conversation in its own right, essentially a non-verbal conversation. If you want to increase your face-to-face time and take steps to greater intimacy in your marriage, try this conversation without words.

Dancing to the Same Song

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One of the keys to dancing with a partner successfully is listening for and dancing to the beat of the music. When both partners hear and respond in sync to the musical beat, the dance will flow much easier.

To what “music” are you listening in your marriage dance? Are you and your spouse dancing to the same song?

God’s voice could be said to be the “music” in the dance of Christian life. Scripture says: “The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me.” (John 10:27, Amplified Bible) If both you and your partner are listening for God’s voice with the intent to follow it, the “dance” will be much easier for the two of you.

Occasionally, I have danced with a leader who is “off beat,” and it is a real challenge to follow him. If you are the follower in a Christian marriage, it will be much easier for you to follow the leader when you know he is listening and following God’s voice.

In addition to helping keep a couple “in sync” (or unified), the music provides inspiration for the dance. If you and your spouse seem out of sync or uninspired lately, maybe it’s time to stop and listen to the Music. Are you dancing to the same song? Are you both tuning into God’s voice?

Copr 2010 MarriageDance

A Helper Suitable for the Dance

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A colleague asked me recently in conversation, “In what way is the woman a ‘helper’ in the dance?” The source of the question is Genesis 2:18: “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (NIV)

Her question was associated with my look at dance as a metaphor for marriage. While the man takes the leading role in the dance, the woman must be an active and intentional helper in numerous ways.

First of all, she helps by carrying her own weight and actively participating in the dance. As the follower, she is not dependent on him to move her weight across the floor. This helps him move more freely and easily himself while also guiding her.

Secondly, she maintains good posture and muscle tone, staying connecting to him through the dance frame. This helps the man communicate the lead, as the frame is the channel of communication between them.

Additionally, in many dances, the partners are facing opposite directions and are slightly offset from one another. In this way, the woman is able to see behind the man. She helps him by alerting him to anything that might be an obstacle or threat (such as an approaching couple on a crowded dance floor). Since dancers move forward, backward and sideways, it is helpful to have both sets of eyes engaged and watching for possible interference. In keeping with the spirit of the verse in Genesis, dancers can tell you without question that two work better than one here.

Like in marriage, the dancing couple works in partnership. The male and female roles are distinct and different in dance and in Christian marriage, and the partnership works best in both with active and intentional participation, communication and engagement from each person.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Two Become One

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An acquaintance once told me he was inspired to learn to ballroom dance after seeing a couple move “effortlessly” across the floor as a single unit. Couples competently doing a progressive dance (one that moves around the floor such as waltz or foxtrot) truly appear to be a single unit. Though this may look effortless, it is achieved only with the necessary body posture, balance, muscle tone and foot placement of each dancer thereby creating the vital connection between them. The dance partners move from a common “center” and communicate with each other through the dance connection.

This description of a dancing couple moving in unison brings to mind another comparison to Christian marriage. A common scriptural reference in wedding ceremonies, Genesis 2: 24 says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The dancing couple is a picture of this “profound mystery” described in scripture. Each individual fulfills a designated role with a cooperative spirit. Each one depends upon the other to independently execute his or her steps. Being united in Christ, the partners share a common focus or “center” which enhances communication and coordinated movement.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance