True Leadership and Submission

What do biblical leadership and submission look like in the “real world”? I find partner dancing to present a fairly accurate picture of what God intends for these roles in marriage. And I was encouraged in this by what I learned in a recent study taught by Dr. John Yates, rector of Holy Trinity Anglican Church in Raleigh, N.C. (also mentioned in my previous post).

Contention over marriage roles, inside and outside the Christian community, results from the fall, accentuated by viewing the scriptures through the context of our culture. Based on Dr. Yates’ thoroughly researched study, I challenge the following culturally accepted myths about the biblical roles in marriage. Read to the end for an explanation of how partner dance reflects the scriptural truths. Continue reading

Intended for Intimacy

On my most recent post, The Great Adventure, a reader commented: “Marriage provides constant opportunity for emotional risk-taking.” His words provide the perfect segue for this new post on intimacy.

Now each reader most likely has his or her own definition of and associations with that term, so for the purpose of this blog post I am using the term to refer to close familiarity or relationship; closeness. That’s intimacy in the broadest terms which can encompass the more specific aspects of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.

I believe the blog comment introduces this topic perfectly because emotional risk-taking is necessary for intimacy. Deep down, we all crave close connections with others (including God and our spouse) yet we fear it at the same time. Continue reading

Made for Adventure

The adage “Dance like no one is watching” is well-known. I’ve seen it on posters, plaques, pillows, coffee mugs, trivets and more.

It’s usually accompanied by the additional suggestions of “Love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth.” Sometimes you’ll also find “Work like you don’t need the money.”

I suspect the reason for this maxim’s popularity and ubiquity is that it resonates with the adventurous spirit within us. Yet — perhaps more often than not — though we want to follow our adventurous spirit, we have apprehension for one reason or another. We fear what others will think or want to avoid pain. Continue reading

Dance for JOY

Recently I learned that the Westminster Catechism (Presbyterian church) begins: What is the chief end of man? Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever. I spent my entire childhood attending traditional churches (though not Presbyterian), and somehow I completely missed this message. But it resonates with what I’ve learned later in life … we were created to glorify God and enJOY him.

Joy is a fruit of the spirit, produced by living in relationship with God.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23a NLT

By living in relation and close connection with God, we enJOY him. Joy is his intention for us, according to Isaiah 61 where we learn that our Savior would come “to bind up the brokenhearted … to comfort all who mourn … to bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (NIV)

In biblical references, dance is often a demonstration of joy.
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.  Jeremiah 31:4, NIV

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,  Psalm 30:11, NLT

Be glad at such a time, and dance for joy; for your reward is great in Heaven (Luke 6:23a, Weymouth New Testament)

Therefore, I believe our Creator made us to dance. David, a man after God’s own heart, “danced before the Lord with all his might.” 2 Samuel 6:14

So why am I writing about this in a marriage blog? Based on these scriptures and my own experience, I believe dancing can be a source of joy for your marriage. It will require you to face your fear if dancing is something that feels threatening to you, but the pay off could be well worth stepping out of your comfort zone.

I’ve met a number of men who learned partner dancing after a failed marriage. They took a risk to try something new, and they were surprised to find they loved dancing (for a number of reasons, some of which are addressed in other posts here on this blog).
Don’t wait until it’s too late to try something new that can add more joy to your marriage. Don’t shrink back from all the joy your Creator intends for you.

“We Were Made for This” Redux

In the previous post titled We Were Made for This, I wrote about how traditional partner dancing affirms both masculinity and femininity. Recently, I realized that the title phrase has a much broader application than simply affirming individual gender roles.

The realization goes back to an epiphany I had while dancing a few years ago. As I was dancing in perfect synchronization with my partner and with the infectious music, I had a moment of revelation: “This is how you were created to live.”

That insight was a spark that ignited MarriageDance. Our Creator made us to dance.
Now, you might be thinking … I don’t dance. And while dance is my “thing” and I have no doubt I was made for it, I realize that everyone out there does not feel the same way. But whether or not you physically move to music, I believe dance embodies qualities of life that our Creator intends for everyone.

Dance is joyful and fun. It’s adventurous. Most people have some trepidation at one time or another about getting out on the dance floor, hence the common proverb, “Dance like no one is watching.”

There’s more to dance than what you see. I recently observed a dance competition, and I could tell a difference between those who were following a set of choreographed steps and those who were truly dancing. This “more than meets the eye” quality embodies a connection with something or someone beyond ourselves.

Our Creator made us for joy, adventure and a deep-rooted connection with Himself and with other people — including a notably distinct connection with a partner in marriage.

In the words of a best-selling country pop song recorded by Lee Ann Womack, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance — I hope you dance.”

Conversation without words

In a blog post titled Friends with Benefits, Mark Driscoll, a pastor at Mars Hill Church in California, explains three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder and face-to-face. Here’s how he describes them:

A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live
separately and do not work together (shoulder to shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face to face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.

A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple

works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.

A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship and intimacy.

When I read this, I recognized a correlation with dance as a picture of marriage. Dancing with your spouse is primarily a face-to-face experience. If your marriage is characterized as back-to-back or shoulder-to-shoulder, dancing face-to-face with your partner may feel awkward, even invasive, at first. However, it could be a first step toward transforming your marriage to a deeper level. If your marriage is already characterized as face-to-face, then dancing can add a new element of intimacy and intrigue to your relationship.
The depth of intimacy is a key factor distinguishing these kinds of marriages. And as Driscoll  writes in his post, “intimacy is ultimately about conversing.” The topics of conversation in a relationship change as intimacy grows. Driscoll writes:

When a relationship becomes most intimate, we begin to share our feelings. We become vulnerable with someone, telling him or her not just what we do (facts) and what we believe (opinions), but who we are (feelings).

Dance is a conversation in its own right, essentially a non-verbal conversation. If you want to increase your face-to-face time and take steps to greater intimacy in your marriage, try this conversation without words.