Stepping On Toes

If you’ve danced with a partner, regardless of the dance style or tempo, you have almost certainly had the experience of a partner stepping on your foot or toe.

Hopefully, none of those incidents has resulted in an injury. Having danced socially for more than 12 years, I am thankful for that to be true in my case.

When a dance partner steps on your foot, how do you react? The most common reaction in my experience—a simple apology then moving on with the dance.

In comparing Christian marriage to a dance, I believe that spouses can learn from the dance floor incidents. How do you manage conflict in your relationship? When your spouse “steps on your foot,” do you react in anger? Does the misstep keep you from continuing with the dance?

As spouses and dance partners, we will step on each other’s toes – both on and off the dance floor. Conflict is inevitable; it’s how you handle the conflict that makes the difference.

I believe the instruction given to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21 is applicable here. In The Message, this verse reads: “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.”

An attitude of courteous reverence for your spouse, particularly in times of conflict, will help keep you dancing together.

The most commonly used English term in this verse is submit, as in the NIV: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Curiously from the dance perspective, the same verse in the New International Reader’s Version is: “Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ.”

Whether you are leading or following, there are some lessons to be learned from the dance floor about conflict management. Here are a few I’ve identified (with the help of some workshop participants):

  • Communicate. Ask your partner kindly to get off your foot.
  • Choose to get off of your partner’s foot when asked.
  • Accept the apology when it is offered.
  • Like learning to dance, learning to relate to one another and manage conflict in marriage takes many years of practice.
  • Recognize a misstep for what it is. Don’t blow it out of proportion.
  • Adopt a graceful and forgiving attitude toward your partner.
  • Pick up where you left off when the misstep occurred, and keep dancing.

What are some others?

Copr MarriageDance 2009

A Challenge to Leaders: Facilitate Brilliance

“As a leader your job isn’t to be brilliant. Your job is to facilitate the brilliance of others,” said Ron Carucci, a consultant and teacher in the field of organizational behavior. His comment was made in the context of business. However, I find the thought applicable to this discussion of partner dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage.

Having difficulty making the connection? Consider this passage from The Message:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

Husbands are instructed here to emulate Christ who evokes the beauty of his bride. In other words, a husband – as leader of his household – is to facilitate his wife’s brilliance.

I’ve frequently heard dancers describe roles in this way: The woman is the picture; the man is the frame. While a frame provides structure and protection for the work of art it encloses, it also offers a complimentary element that focuses a viewer’s attention on the art itself. The frame helps facilitate the art work’s brilliance.

In a recent workshop discussing the Ephesians passage, one husband concluded: “When she looks good, we look good.” Another commented: “As I elevate her and she looks more beautiful, I am elevated as well. Leading lovingly is the best thing I can do for both of us.”

Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, put it this way. “When you look into the face of a man’s wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her is reflected in her countenance.”

He has the opportunity, as a leader on and off the dance floor, to facilitate brilliance.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance