Tag Archives: connection

Intended for Intimacy

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On my most recent post, The Great Adventure, a reader commented: “Marriage provides constant opportunity for emotional risk-taking.” His words provide the perfect segue for this new post on intimacy.

Now each reader most likely has his or her own definition of and associations with that term, so for the purpose of this blog post I am using the term to refer to close familiarity or relationship; closeness. That’s intimacy in the broadest terms which can encompass the more specific aspects of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.

I believe the blog comment introduces this topic perfectly because emotional risk-taking is necessary for intimacy. Deep down, we all crave close connections with others (including God and our spouse) yet we fear it at the same time. Continue reading →

“We Were Made for This” Redux

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In the previous post titled We Were Made for This, I wrote about how traditional partner dancing affirms both masculinity and femininity. Recently, I realized that the title phrase has a much broader application than simply affirming individual gender roles.

The realization goes back to an epiphany I had while dancing a few years ago. As I was dancing in perfect synchronization with my partner and with the infectious music, I had a moment of revelation: “This is how you were created to live.”

That insight was a spark that ignited MarriageDance. Our Creator made us to dance.
Now, you might be thinking … I don’t dance. And while dance is my “thing” and I have no doubt I was made for it, I realize that everyone out there does not feel the same way. But whether or not you physically move to music, I believe dance embodies qualities of life that our Creator intends for everyone.

Dance is joyful and fun. It’s adventurous. Most people have some trepidation at one time or another about getting out on the dance floor, hence the common proverb, “Dance like no one is watching.”

There’s more to dance than what you see. I recently observed a dance competition, and I could tell a difference between those who were following a set of choreographed steps and those who were truly dancing. This “more than meets the eye” quality embodies a connection with something or someone beyond ourselves.

Our Creator made us for joy, adventure and a deep-rooted connection with Himself and with other people — including a notably distinct connection with a partner in marriage.

In the words of a best-selling country pop song recorded by Lee Ann Womack, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance — I hope you dance.”

Conversation without words

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In a blog post titled Friends with Benefits, Mark Driscoll, a pastor at Mars Hill Church in California, explains three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder and face-to-face. Here’s how he describes them:

A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live
separately and do not work together (shoulder to shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face to face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.

A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple

works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.

A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship and intimacy.

When I read this, I recognized a correlation with dance as a picture of marriage. Dancing with your spouse is primarily a face-to-face experience. If your marriage is characterized as back-to-back or shoulder-to-shoulder, dancing face-to-face with your partner may feel awkward, even invasive, at first. However, it could be a first step toward transforming your marriage to a deeper level. If your marriage is already characterized as face-to-face, then dancing can add a new element of intimacy and intrigue to your relationship.
The depth of intimacy is a key factor distinguishing these kinds of marriages. And as Driscoll  writes in his post, “intimacy is ultimately about conversing.” The topics of conversation in a relationship change as intimacy grows. Driscoll writes:

When a relationship becomes most intimate, we begin to share our feelings. We become vulnerable with someone, telling him or her not just what we do (facts) and what we believe (opinions), but who we are (feelings).

Dance is a conversation in its own right, essentially a non-verbal conversation. If you want to increase your face-to-face time and take steps to greater intimacy in your marriage, try this conversation without words.

Would Dance Lessons Benefit your Marriage?

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Have you taken dance lessons with your spouse? What was your experience?

At a conference I attended, I met a woman who willingly shared her story after I mentioned the concepts of this blog. She described how dance lessons with her husband reflected the bigger picture in their relationship.

Explaining that her husband’s personality was easygoing and somewhat timid, she indicated these characteristics were displayed in their lessons as they are in life. With her encouragement in the lessons, he began to assert himself in his leadership role. As he grew more comfortable doing so in the dance, she started noticing a change in him overall. To her delight, he began to be more bold and assertive in their relationship.

If you want to grow in partnership with your spouse, consider dance lessons. The experience provides an opportunity to try out something new … more than just new dance steps. A couple I know applied their experience from dance lessons to their give and take in disagreements. “It made a difference with our first fight,” said the husband. “We do a better job of communicating in conflict.”

In a post on his Complete Life Fitness blog, coach Stuart Palmer writes about an observation of couples he and his wife have instructed in dance: “… we continue to see that couples who dance together generally have better relationships and deeper intimacy. Not only that, but just about every couple we’ve taught proclaims that learning to dance together parallels learning to have a better relationship.”

Have dance lessons with your spouse impacted your marriage, for better or worse? Please share your experiences!

Copr 2011 MarriageDance

A Helper Suitable for the Dance

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A colleague asked me recently in conversation, “In what way is the woman a ‘helper’ in the dance?” The source of the question is Genesis 2:18: “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (NIV)

Her question was associated with my look at dance as a metaphor for marriage. While the man takes the leading role in the dance, the woman must be an active and intentional helper in numerous ways.

First of all, she helps by carrying her own weight and actively participating in the dance. As the follower, she is not dependent on him to move her weight across the floor. This helps him move more freely and easily himself while also guiding her.

Secondly, she maintains good posture and muscle tone, staying connecting to him through the dance frame. This helps the man communicate the lead, as the frame is the channel of communication between them.

Additionally, in many dances, the partners are facing opposite directions and are slightly offset from one another. In this way, the woman is able to see behind the man. She helps him by alerting him to anything that might be an obstacle or threat (such as an approaching couple on a crowded dance floor). Since dancers move forward, backward and sideways, it is helpful to have both sets of eyes engaged and watching for possible interference. In keeping with the spirit of the verse in Genesis, dancers can tell you without question that two work better than one here.

Like in marriage, the dancing couple works in partnership. The male and female roles are distinct and different in dance and in Christian marriage, and the partnership works best in both with active and intentional participation, communication and engagement from each person.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

The Framework of Communication

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Whether in dance or marriage, effective communication between partners is fundamental.

A couple recently learning to dance discovered the “secret” was in the communication which comes from the connection or dance frame.

The frame is created by four points of connection between the dancing couple. When these connection points are solid and secure, better communication – and dancing – will result. The connection points create the channel through which the leader indicates the dance steps he is planning.

To keep these connection points working and the lines of communication open, both leader and follower must have the proper posture and muscle tone. Neither partner can shoulder the entire responsibility for maintaining open lines of communication; it must be a mutual endeavor.

This connection, and a unified effort to respond to the music, creates the dance. The specific steps are insignificant as long as the leader is leading, the follower is following and both are dancing to the same song.

Communication is a lifeline in a unified marriage as well. “We need to be solid together in the core of our union and let the dance flow from there,” said one partner in the couple learning to dance. “Becoming one … on the dance floor and in our unions as husband and wife … is the only way to truly be successful in either endeavor.”

Copr 2009 MarriageDance