We Were Made For This

I’ve had numerous conversations with female friends who dance, and we all agree. Partner dancing affirms our femininity. We love that princess-like feeling resulting from a chivalrous invitation to dance followed by being gracefully led around the dance floor for a few brief minutes (the length of a song). We walk out of the door with our heads held higher from the experience, feeling beautiful even if we were not wearing a formal gown or it had been a bad-hair day.

What I didn’t know was if men were affirmed in their masculinity through dance. So I finally asked the question. The particular group of men I asked were Christians, new to dance and participating in a dance workshop with their wives. Their answer seemed to be unanimous. Yes, dancing affirmed their masculinity. Why? There are not many circumstances in life where they were unequivocally the “leader,” where they are given permission to lead without any question or hesitation.

The results of my quick survey are completely unscientific, of course. But even so, it begs the question: Why does dancing affirm us in our femininity and masculinity? My theory is we were made for this. Men were designed by our Creator to be leaders; women were designed by our Creator to be helpers and responders. The male-female  dance partnership reflects our God-intended roles as men and women, so when we dance we feel affirmed in who we were made to be.

This is not a welcomed or celebrated message in our time and place in history. There is much argument and debate over “gender roles,” and scriptural guidelines are often regarded as archaic and irrelevant.

In a humorously titled blog post, Woman! Know Your Role, the author finds that submission (as referenced in Ephesians 5) often looks different than what she expected. She gives the following examples:

I recently had an epiphany about the times my husband has said to me, “Where do you want to go for dinner?” And I refused to decide, thus refusing to submit to a simple request he’d made of me. So what I actually thought was submission was not, because he asked me for input and I wouldn’t give it to him. Or many times Adam has told me to leave the dishes and let him clean the kitchen after a dinner I’ve made. Guess what I used to do? Ignore him completely. When I thought I was serving him by continuing to clean, what I was communicating was that I didn’t regard his requests enough to comply with them, not even when they were to my benefit.

She concludes: “Honor and esteem your role, ladies. It is a high calling and one that should be embraced.” Likewise, I would encourage men to embrace their God-intended role. I think we will each find that when we do, as in dance, we are affirmed in who we are created to be.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

The Framework of Communication

Whether in dance or marriage, effective communication between partners is fundamental.

A couple recently learning to dance discovered the “secret” was in the communication which comes from the connection or dance frame.

The frame is created by four points of connection between the dancing couple. When these connection points are solid and secure, better communication – and dancing – will result. The connection points create the channel through which the leader indicates the dance steps he is planning.

To keep these connection points working and the lines of communication open, both leader and follower must have the proper posture and muscle tone. Neither partner can shoulder the entire responsibility for maintaining open lines of communication; it must be a mutual endeavor.

This connection, and a unified effort to respond to the music, creates the dance. The specific steps are insignificant as long as the leader is leading, the follower is following and both are dancing to the same song.

Communication is a lifeline in a unified marriage as well. “We need to be solid together in the core of our union and let the dance flow from there,” said one partner in the couple learning to dance. “Becoming one … on the dance floor and in our unions as husband and wife … is the only way to truly be successful in either endeavor.”

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Complements by Design

In dance circles I’ve heard it said that “The woman is the picture; the man is the frame.” This speaks to the individual and complementary roles of the woman and the man in the dance.

A frame around an artwork provides a complement to the art not a distraction. It may be artistic in its own right, but it does not compete. Rather it focuses attention on and brings out the best features of the artwork it supports and protects.

The same can be said in dance, though it is true in some dances more than others. As a general rule, the man provides the structure through his lead. The woman is able to add creative flourishes or “art” to the dance as she follows, particularly if she is an experienced dancer. This may be most obviously demonstrated in ballroom dance moves such as an oversway, throwaway and develope. She is responsible for supporting her own weight in any move other than a lift,  but the structure or set up provided by the man is essential to the proper execution of such moves.

Additionally like the frame, the dance leader has responsibility for protecting his partner. This can be particularly challenging on a crowded dance floor.

How is this like a Christian marriage? Husbands and wives have individual, complementary roles. The man’s leadership offers structure and protection for his wife.

Christian author John Eldredge writes that the essence of a man is his strength and the essence of a woman is her beauty. Both strength and beauty are characteristics of God, in whose image both men and women are made. They work together like a picture and its frame.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Two Become One

An acquaintance once told me he was inspired to learn to ballroom dance after seeing a couple move “effortlessly” across the floor as a single unit. Couples competently doing a progressive dance (one that moves around the floor such as waltz or foxtrot) truly appear to be a single unit. Though this may look effortless, it is achieved only with the necessary body posture, balance, muscle tone and foot placement of each dancer thereby creating the vital connection between them. The dance partners move from a common “center” and communicate with each other through the dance connection.

This description of a dancing couple moving in unison brings to mind another comparison to Christian marriage. A common scriptural reference in wedding ceremonies, Genesis 2: 24 says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The dancing couple is a picture of this “profound mystery” described in scripture. Each individual fulfills a designated role with a cooperative spirit. Each one depends upon the other to independently execute his or her steps. Being united in Christ, the partners share a common focus or “center” which enhances communication and coordinated movement.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance

Sharing Dancers’ Insights

There are times when I wonder if I’m off-base on this metaphorical comparison of dancing and marriage. But I was reassured when I discovered a couple of dancers’ blogs recently. I am posting some of the comments I found reassuring so you can decide for yourself.

From heartysoul.wordpress.com/2007/02/12/osteopathic-lindy/

The BEST leaders … are the ones who are highly skilled and pay attention to their follower. And the BEST followers are those who can respond to the slightest movement and share in the creativity of the dance.

Every dance you have, the person you are dancing with should be your top priority. Connecting to the music initiates a common rhythm. Then what the dancers bring to the floor and share with each other creates the completely indescribable, inspirational, temporary piece of moving art.

Although social dancing is lead-follow, the percentage that each person contributes to the success of a dance is about 51% leader to 49% follower. The leader decides what move to do, but the follower has to respond. In order to have a decent dance, the leader needs to understand his partner, know what her skill level is and listen to her. Followers can send signals if she has a good idea or if she’s not happy. The follower has to give up some of her own control and trust the leader. Trust brings some amazing surprises and delight.

From swingscene.wordpress.com/2007/04/17/in-theory/

… as a leader you have to take care of your follower. You are dancing for her, she is not dancing for you. I’ve found that when I think this, when I approach a dance and make it about her and her enjoyment I have a lot better dance, I am much more creative, I connect much better, regardless of her level. But when I approach a dance with an expectation that I’m going to get something from the dance, and look to her to connect with me the way I want to, when I expect, or worse, demand that she follow me a specific way, the dance is usually crap; it becomes wholly unfulfilling.

I expect the reverse holds true too. If I were a follower I would have much better dances if each time I worked to connect with my leader exclusively and regardless of my leaders efforts to connect at my level.

And then the theory holds true, if the leader strives to reach the follower where she is, and the follower reciprocates, but each independent of the other, that’s when there is magic on the (dance) floor.

What marriage advice could be drawn from these comments about dancing? Click on the “responses” link below to add your thoughts.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance