Category Archives: General

Vive la difference!

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In this post on The Marry Blogger, Stu describes an interaction between his four-year-old son and a girl. It’s a simple exchange that demonstrates the innate differences in boys and girls.

We’re all individuals, of course, but the Creator planned and created males and females differently by design. And He declared “it was good.” (Gen. 1:27)

Male/female differences come into play in partner dancing because the partnership is made of one male and one female. Perhaps the first difference that comes to mind is the propensity for dancing itself.

It is unusual to find a woman who does not like to dance (though there are some). It is not unusual to find a man who does not like to dance.

Dancing makes women feel beautiful. Most of us love skirts that twirl and being led around the dance floor by a kind gentleman. I meet women on a regular basis who tell me that their husbands won’t dance. It’s unfortunate since dance provides the perfect opportunity for him to be a hero, romance his wife, get a workout and have fun all at the same time!

For the men who are brave enough to try it, they often find that they enjoy being “in charge” of (leading) the dance. And with the right instruction, they may find that they succeed and even excel at it.

Once they are dancing together, the man and the woman may be required to make some accommodations for their partners. Take the size of their steps for instance. A man may need to take smaller steps to dance comfortably with a woman who is not as tall as he is. A woman may need to take larger steps than usual when she is dancing with a man who is much taller than she is.

Continuing this look at dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage, dance provides a picture of a male and female couple working together beautifully in partnership, just as the Creator intended. And I propose that picture reflects what He intended for marriage.

Vive la difference! Let’s dance!

Copr 2010 MarriageDance

Love in Any Language

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I admit I love to dance. So my proposition in this post may be biased. I’ll let you be the judge.

I propose that dancing can express love in any language. I’m not referring to international dialects here especially, though the statement may hold true in that case as well. Specifically, I am referring to the five love languages identified by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book by that title.

Here are the five love languages, according to Dr. Chapman, and how I see dance as a means of expressing each of them:

Quality Time: Giving full attention to your partner in dance, whether you are leading or following, can be an example of the quality time that I believe Dr. Chapman describes.

Physical Touch: This one may be the most obvious. When connected with your spouse in dance frame, there are at least four points of physical contact. These contact points create the channel through which the man communicates the lead and the woman perceives it, so it is essential to stay physically connected with your partner at all times in order to execute the dance.

Acts of Service: By carefully and thoughtfully leading his partner, the man provides service to his wife, the follower. Likewise, I propose that the follower serves her husband, the leader, as she graciously accepts his invitation to follow through with the dance moves he leads

Gifts: Dance lessons could make a great gift for your spouse with the “gifts” language (if he/she wants to learn to dance, that is). I’ll admit it does not have universal appeal.  For others, perhaps the gift (as well as being an act of service) may be the leadership and the follower-ship that is offered within the dance.

Words of Affirmation: Like gifts, this one is not as “built in” as the others. But dancing (or learning to dance) provides the perfect opportunity to affirm your partner for what he or she is doing well. That is what your spouse with the “words” language wants to hear.

What do you think of dance as an expression of your love language? Would a date night of dancing with your spouse fill your love tank?

Copr 2010 MarriageDance

Operating on Autopilot?

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A recent experience showed me another lesson from the dance floor that I find applicable to Christian marriage.

I have been dancing for more than 12 years, and during that time many dance steps have become second nature to me. Dancers and athletes aspire to this point when movements are committed to muscle memory, when certain activities or actions are so familiar that they become automatic.

A few weeks ago, a turn of events brought to mind exactly how much I dance on autopilot. My planned dance partner had a medical emergency and was unable to participate in the group lessons we were scheduled to instruct. By God’s grace, I was able to find a dance partner to take his place at the last minute, but I was called upon to lead more of the instruction. It was a challenge to instruct beginning dancers on the steps that had become automatic for me over the years.

Are there steps in your marriage that have become second nature to you? In what ways are you operating on autopilot, and are those ways beneficial or damaging to your relationship? If your autopilot is directing you to act in loving and considerate ways toward your spouse, great! Unfortunately, it is equally as easy for the autopilot to operate in ways less beneficial to your partnership.

Incorrect dance steps can become committed to muscle memory as well as the correct ones. Once that is the case, it can be difficult to unlearn the old habits and relearn the steps correctly.

Wherever you are in your marriage, it’s a good idea to take an occasional inventory of how your autopilot is operating. Identify any bad habits you’ve acquired, and start to learn and practice new steps to replace them. Be graceful and forgiving with each other during the learning.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

When Marriage Is Not a Beautiful Dance

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“Beautiful when done right,” commented a recent workshop participant regarding the correlation between marriage and dance.

It’s true that both dance and Christian marriage are objects of beauty when done well, but conversely either can be corrupted and unpleasant.

In a recent blog post entitled The Dark Side of Submission, Lee Grady cites examples of how misinterpretation of the scriptures on the husband’s headship has resulted in abuse of women.

“Traditionalists assume that a Christian marriage is defined as a dominant husband who makes all family decisions while the wife graciously obeys without input. Yet Scripture actually portrays marriage as a loving partnership … ,” he writes.

His post is a reminder that we live in a fallen world where Christian marriages are not always the beautiful dance that they could be.

“Headship, in its essence, is not about ‘who’s the boss.’ Rather it refers to the Genesis account of Eve being taken from Adam’s side. The husband is the ‘source’ of the wife because she originated from him, and she is intimately connected to him in a mystical union that is unlike any other human relationship,” Grady writes.

“Truly Christian marriages, according to the apostle Paul, involve a tender, servant-hearted and unselfish husband who (1) loves his wife ‘just as Christ also loved the church;’ (2) loves her as his own body; and (3) loves her as himself (see Eph. 5:25, 28 33). He stands alongside his wife in faithfulness, and she joyfully respects her husband because he can be trusted. And the two become one.”

Dancing in partnership can provide a picture of this beautiful, active, loving and respectful relationship as it was intended by our Creator.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Stepping On Toes

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If you’ve danced with a partner, regardless of the dance style or tempo, you have almost certainly had the experience of a partner stepping on your foot or toe.

Hopefully, none of those incidents has resulted in an injury. Having danced socially for more than 12 years, I am thankful for that to be true in my case.

When a dance partner steps on your foot, how do you react? The most common reaction in my experience—a simple apology then moving on with the dance.

In comparing Christian marriage to a dance, I believe that spouses can learn from the dance floor incidents. How do you manage conflict in your relationship? When your spouse “steps on your foot,” do you react in anger? Does the misstep keep you from continuing with the dance?

As spouses and dance partners, we will step on each other’s toes – both on and off the dance floor. Conflict is inevitable; it’s how you handle the conflict that makes the difference.

I believe the instruction given to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21 is applicable here. In The Message, this verse reads: “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.”

An attitude of courteous reverence for your spouse, particularly in times of conflict, will help keep you dancing together.

The most commonly used English term in this verse is submit, as in the NIV: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Curiously from the dance perspective, the same verse in the New International Reader’s Version is: “Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ.”

Whether you are leading or following, there are some lessons to be learned from the dance floor about conflict management. Here are a few I’ve identified (with the help of some workshop participants):

  • Communicate. Ask your partner kindly to get off your foot.
  • Choose to get off of your partner’s foot when asked.
  • Accept the apology when it is offered.
  • Like learning to dance, learning to relate to one another and manage conflict in marriage takes many years of practice.
  • Recognize a misstep for what it is. Don’t blow it out of proportion.
  • Adopt a graceful and forgiving attitude toward your partner.
  • Pick up where you left off when the misstep occurred, and keep dancing.

What are some others?

Copr MarriageDance 2009

A Challenge to Leaders: Facilitate Brilliance

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“As a leader your job isn’t to be brilliant. Your job is to facilitate the brilliance of others,” said Ron Carucci, a consultant and teacher in the field of organizational behavior. His comment was made in the context of business. However, I find the thought applicable to this discussion of partner dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage.

Having difficulty making the connection? Consider this passage from The Message:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

Husbands are instructed here to emulate Christ who evokes the beauty of his bride. In other words, a husband – as leader of his household – is to facilitate his wife’s brilliance.

I’ve frequently heard dancers describe roles in this way: The woman is the picture; the man is the frame. While a frame provides structure and protection for the work of art it encloses, it also offers a complimentary element that focuses a viewer’s attention on the art itself. The frame helps facilitate the art work’s brilliance.

In a recent workshop discussing the Ephesians passage, one husband concluded: “When she looks good, we look good.” Another commented: “As I elevate her and she looks more beautiful, I am elevated as well. Leading lovingly is the best thing I can do for both of us.”

Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, put it this way. “When you look into the face of a man’s wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her is reflected in her countenance.”

He has the opportunity, as a leader on and off the dance floor, to facilitate brilliance.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance