Category Archives: Lead/Follow

A Challenge to Wives: Who is Leading?

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Since posting A Challenge to Leaders in October, I’ve wanted to post a counterpart for followers.

Finding a recent blog post by Stuart McDonald has given me the perfect opportunity. In his post titled Why Must The “Manolos” Wait? The Idea Of Women Pursuing Men, McDonald considers whether it is acceptable for women to play the role of initiator in male/female relationships.

While explaining that balance is important, he writes: “You do still want him to feel like a man, especially the man in this relationship, don’t you, ladies? We feel like men when we’re allowed to take charge and lead.”

So my challenge to ladies is this: Are you allowing your spouse to lead while you actively and intentionally follow? If not, why not?

Consider 1 Peter 3:5 (quoted here from the New Living Translation): “This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands.”

In verse 7, Paul writes to husbands: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. … She is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.”

These verses describe a balanced and caring lead and follow between equal partners.

If you and your spouse need practice leading and following, why not take dance lessons? It’s a fun and active way for him to practice leading and you to practice following. By doing so, the two of you could find more balance and role clarity for your marriage.

Wives, what makes it easy or difficult for you to follow your husband’s lead? Has anyone tried dancing as a means of learning and practicing lead and follow? Please share your story.

Copr 2010 MarriageDance

When Marriage Is Not a Beautiful Dance

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“Beautiful when done right,” commented a recent workshop participant regarding the correlation between marriage and dance.

It’s true that both dance and Christian marriage are objects of beauty when done well, but conversely either can be corrupted and unpleasant.

In a recent blog post entitled The Dark Side of Submission, Lee Grady cites examples of how misinterpretation of the scriptures on the husband’s headship has resulted in abuse of women.

“Traditionalists assume that a Christian marriage is defined as a dominant husband who makes all family decisions while the wife graciously obeys without input. Yet Scripture actually portrays marriage as a loving partnership … ,” he writes.

His post is a reminder that we live in a fallen world where Christian marriages are not always the beautiful dance that they could be.

“Headship, in its essence, is not about ‘who’s the boss.’ Rather it refers to the Genesis account of Eve being taken from Adam’s side. The husband is the ‘source’ of the wife because she originated from him, and she is intimately connected to him in a mystical union that is unlike any other human relationship,” Grady writes.

“Truly Christian marriages, according to the apostle Paul, involve a tender, servant-hearted and unselfish husband who (1) loves his wife ‘just as Christ also loved the church;’ (2) loves her as his own body; and (3) loves her as himself (see Eph. 5:25, 28 33). He stands alongside his wife in faithfulness, and she joyfully respects her husband because he can be trusted. And the two become one.”

Dancing in partnership can provide a picture of this beautiful, active, loving and respectful relationship as it was intended by our Creator.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Stepping On Toes

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If you’ve danced with a partner, regardless of the dance style or tempo, you have almost certainly had the experience of a partner stepping on your foot or toe.

Hopefully, none of those incidents has resulted in an injury. Having danced socially for more than 12 years, I am thankful for that to be true in my case.

When a dance partner steps on your foot, how do you react? The most common reaction in my experience—a simple apology then moving on with the dance.

In comparing Christian marriage to a dance, I believe that spouses can learn from the dance floor incidents. How do you manage conflict in your relationship? When your spouse “steps on your foot,” do you react in anger? Does the misstep keep you from continuing with the dance?

As spouses and dance partners, we will step on each other’s toes – both on and off the dance floor. Conflict is inevitable; it’s how you handle the conflict that makes the difference.

I believe the instruction given to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21 is applicable here. In The Message, this verse reads: “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.”

An attitude of courteous reverence for your spouse, particularly in times of conflict, will help keep you dancing together.

The most commonly used English term in this verse is submit, as in the NIV: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Curiously from the dance perspective, the same verse in the New International Reader’s Version is: “Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ.”

Whether you are leading or following, there are some lessons to be learned from the dance floor about conflict management. Here are a few I’ve identified (with the help of some workshop participants):

  • Communicate. Ask your partner kindly to get off your foot.
  • Choose to get off of your partner’s foot when asked.
  • Accept the apology when it is offered.
  • Like learning to dance, learning to relate to one another and manage conflict in marriage takes many years of practice.
  • Recognize a misstep for what it is. Don’t blow it out of proportion.
  • Adopt a graceful and forgiving attitude toward your partner.
  • Pick up where you left off when the misstep occurred, and keep dancing.

What are some others?

Copr MarriageDance 2009

A Challenge to Leaders: Facilitate Brilliance

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“As a leader your job isn’t to be brilliant. Your job is to facilitate the brilliance of others,” said Ron Carucci, a consultant and teacher in the field of organizational behavior. His comment was made in the context of business. However, I find the thought applicable to this discussion of partner dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage.

Having difficulty making the connection? Consider this passage from The Message:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

Husbands are instructed here to emulate Christ who evokes the beauty of his bride. In other words, a husband – as leader of his household – is to facilitate his wife’s brilliance.

I’ve frequently heard dancers describe roles in this way: The woman is the picture; the man is the frame. While a frame provides structure and protection for the work of art it encloses, it also offers a complimentary element that focuses a viewer’s attention on the art itself. The frame helps facilitate the art work’s brilliance.

In a recent workshop discussing the Ephesians passage, one husband concluded: “When she looks good, we look good.” Another commented: “As I elevate her and she looks more beautiful, I am elevated as well. Leading lovingly is the best thing I can do for both of us.”

Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, put it this way. “When you look into the face of a man’s wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her is reflected in her countenance.”

He has the opportunity, as a leader on and off the dance floor, to facilitate brilliance.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

We Were Made For This

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I’ve had numerous conversations with female friends who dance, and we all agree. Partner dancing affirms our femininity. We love that princess-like feeling resulting from a chivalrous invitation to dance followed by being gracefully led around the dance floor for a few brief minutes (the length of a song). We walk out of the door with our heads held higher from the experience, feeling beautiful even if we were not wearing a formal gown or it had been a bad-hair day.

What I didn’t know was if men were affirmed in their masculinity through dance. So I finally asked the question. The particular group of men I asked were Christians, new to dance and participating in a dance workshop with their wives. Their answer seemed to be unanimous. Yes, dancing affirmed their masculinity. Why? There are not many circumstances in life where they were unequivocally the “leader,” where they are given permission to lead without any question or hesitation.

The results of my quick survey are completely unscientific, of course. But even so, it begs the question: Why does dancing affirm us in our femininity and masculinity? My theory is we were made for this. Men were designed by our Creator to be leaders; women were designed by our Creator to be helpers and responders. The male-female  dance partnership reflects our God-intended roles as men and women, so when we dance we feel affirmed in who we were made to be.

This is not a welcomed or celebrated message in our time and place in history. There is much argument and debate over “gender roles,” and scriptural guidelines are often regarded as archaic and irrelevant.

In a humorously titled blog post, Woman! Know Your Role, the author finds that submission (as referenced in Ephesians 5) often looks different than what she expected. She gives the following examples:

I recently had an epiphany about the times my husband has said to me, “Where do you want to go for dinner?” And I refused to decide, thus refusing to submit to a simple request he’d made of me. So what I actually thought was submission was not, because he asked me for input and I wouldn’t give it to him. Or many times Adam has told me to leave the dishes and let him clean the kitchen after a dinner I’ve made. Guess what I used to do? Ignore him completely. When I thought I was serving him by continuing to clean, what I was communicating was that I didn’t regard his requests enough to comply with them, not even when they were to my benefit.

She concludes: “Honor and esteem your role, ladies. It is a high calling and one that should be embraced.” Likewise, I would encourage men to embrace their God-intended role. I think we will each find that when we do, as in dance, we are affirmed in who we are created to be.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Thoughts on Following

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Occasionally in the dance world, I’ll hear a follower say “All I need is a good leader” or “The follower doesn’t need to know the steps, she just has to hang on.” While I can speak from experience that a strong leader enhances the dance and may be able to compensate in some ways for a follower’s inexperience, the follower cannot be overly dependent on him. Expecting the leader to carry her weight around the floor becomes overburdening and tiring to him. When a leader must push, pull or drag a follower through the moves, it is no longer a dance.

Following, whether in partner dance or marriage, is not passive. Once the dance lead (an invitation) is given, the follower executes the move by her own effort. In marriage, consider the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31. “She is energetic and strong, a hard worker,” reads verse 17 in the New International Version (NIV). “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness,” says verse 27.

In Christian marriage, the scriptural references to a wife’s submission to her husband may be misconceived in a similar way to the follower’s role in dancing. While wives are instructed to submit to their husbands’ God-given leadership, it is not meant to be a passive stance. It is voluntary, intentional and active.

“Wives often tell me that if they submit to their husbands, it means burying their brains and becoming a doormat,” writes Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in Love and Respect, addressing a misconception about submission. His book explains the biblical definitions of hierarchy and authority by which God created marriage relationships to work. To submit “simply means recognizing the husband’s biblically given authority,” he writes, and does not mean being a doormat.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance