Tag Archives: Christian marriage

Complements by Design

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In dance circles I’ve heard it said that “The woman is the picture; the man is the frame.” This speaks to the individual and complementary roles of the woman and the man in the dance.

A frame around an artwork provides a complement to the art not a distraction. It may be artistic in its own right, but it does not compete. Rather it focuses attention on and brings out the best features of the artwork it supports and protects.

The same can be said in dance, though it is true in some dances more than others. As a general rule, the man provides the structure through his lead. The woman is able to add creative flourishes or “art” to the dance as she follows, particularly if she is an experienced dancer. This may be most obviously demonstrated in ballroom dance moves such as an oversway, throwaway and develope. She is responsible for supporting her own weight in any move other than a lift,  but the structure or set up provided by the man is essential to the proper execution of such moves.

Additionally like the frame, the dance leader has responsibility for protecting his partner. This can be particularly challenging on a crowded dance floor.

How is this like a Christian marriage? Husbands and wives have individual, complementary roles. The man’s leadership offers structure and protection for his wife.

Christian author John Eldredge writes that the essence of a man is his strength and the essence of a woman is her beauty. Both strength and beauty are characteristics of God, in whose image both men and women are made. They work together like a picture and its frame.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Separate but Equal, part 2

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In God on Sex, Daniel Akin writes:

Men and women really are different. … We are different and different by design; it is the way God made us and the way God intended. He did make us male and female and declared it a good thing. (Gen. 1:27)

According to the design, scripture assigns separate roles and gives distinct instructions to husbands and wives. Traditional partner dance reflects the difference as well by giving separate roles to men and women.

When one role is considered more important or prestigious than the other, it becomes controversial, particularly in the current American culture. In fact, it is the man who is given the leadership responsibility in scripture and in dance. Does that outrank the follower’s role?

In Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs addresses the controversy often associated with the reference to women as the “weaker partner” in 1 Peter 3:7. He writes: “… Peter makes a comparative statement, not a qualitative one.”

Eggerichs continues this discussion by using the example of two bowls: one made of porcelain and the other made of copper. “The husband is copper; the wife is porcelain. It’s not that she is of less value—in fact, a porcelain bowl can sometimes have greater value than a copper bowl,” he writes. “The bowls are different and have different functions in different settings.”

Likewise, in the dance partnership and in marriage, men and women have distinct functions. Their roles are different, but each role is equally valuable and integral to the dance and to the relationship. When the differences are embraced in a complementary partnership, the result can be beautiful.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Separate But Equal

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Dance, like marriage, is about giving and taking … a cooperation of two people in balance as a unit. The balance of give and take creates a cooperative environment wherein each works with the other in complementary roles to dance in unison.

I received these comments from a dancing friend in response to one of my posts. They remind me that an inviting lead and a receptive follow are integral to the dance. The two roles are clearly distinct and equally valuable.

Imagine the results of one dance partner “gone bad.” Without a clear leader, the dancing couple would not move or, in the case of a contest of wills, the dance would become a tug of war. Without a willing follower, the leader would resort to pulling, pushing or dragging or else give up the dance altogether.

But when partners fulfill their individual roles with a spirit of cooperation, the result is graceful movement across the dance floor as a single unit.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 (NIV) Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

Purposefully and in his image, our Creator crafted men and women distinctly, separate but equally valuable, intended to work together in a complementary partnership.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Two Become One

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An acquaintance once told me he was inspired to learn to ballroom dance after seeing a couple move “effortlessly” across the floor as a single unit. Couples competently doing a progressive dance (one that moves around the floor such as waltz or foxtrot) truly appear to be a single unit. Though this may look effortless, it is achieved only with the necessary body posture, balance, muscle tone and foot placement of each dancer thereby creating the vital connection between them. The dance partners move from a common “center” and communicate with each other through the dance connection.

This description of a dancing couple moving in unison brings to mind another comparison to Christian marriage. A common scriptural reference in wedding ceremonies, Genesis 2: 24 says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The dancing couple is a picture of this “profound mystery” described in scripture. Each individual fulfills a designated role with a cooperative spirit. Each one depends upon the other to independently execute his or her steps. Being united in Christ, the partners share a common focus or “center” which enhances communication and coordinated movement.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance

Sharing Dancers’ Insights

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There are times when I wonder if I’m off-base on this metaphorical comparison of dancing and marriage. But I was reassured when I discovered a couple of dancers’ blogs recently. I am posting some of the comments I found reassuring so you can decide for yourself.

From heartysoul.wordpress.com/2007/02/12/osteopathic-lindy/

The BEST leaders … are the ones who are highly skilled and pay attention to their follower. And the BEST followers are those who can respond to the slightest movement and share in the creativity of the dance.

Every dance you have, the person you are dancing with should be your top priority. Connecting to the music initiates a common rhythm. Then what the dancers bring to the floor and share with each other creates the completely indescribable, inspirational, temporary piece of moving art.

Although social dancing is lead-follow, the percentage that each person contributes to the success of a dance is about 51% leader to 49% follower. The leader decides what move to do, but the follower has to respond. In order to have a decent dance, the leader needs to understand his partner, know what her skill level is and listen to her. Followers can send signals if she has a good idea or if she’s not happy. The follower has to give up some of her own control and trust the leader. Trust brings some amazing surprises and delight.

From swingscene.wordpress.com/2007/04/17/in-theory/

… as a leader you have to take care of your follower. You are dancing for her, she is not dancing for you. I’ve found that when I think this, when I approach a dance and make it about her and her enjoyment I have a lot better dance, I am much more creative, I connect much better, regardless of her level. But when I approach a dance with an expectation that I’m going to get something from the dance, and look to her to connect with me the way I want to, when I expect, or worse, demand that she follow me a specific way, the dance is usually crap; it becomes wholly unfulfilling.

I expect the reverse holds true too. If I were a follower I would have much better dances if each time I worked to connect with my leader exclusively and regardless of my leaders efforts to connect at my level.

And then the theory holds true, if the leader strives to reach the follower where she is, and the follower reciprocates, but each independent of the other, that’s when there is magic on the (dance) floor.

What marriage advice could be drawn from these comments about dancing? Click on the “responses” link below to add your thoughts.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Thoughts on Following

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Occasionally in the dance world, I’ll hear a follower say “All I need is a good leader” or “The follower doesn’t need to know the steps, she just has to hang on.” While I can speak from experience that a strong leader enhances the dance and may be able to compensate in some ways for a follower’s inexperience, the follower cannot be overly dependent on him. Expecting the leader to carry her weight around the floor becomes overburdening and tiring to him. When a leader must push, pull or drag a follower through the moves, it is no longer a dance.

Following, whether in partner dance or marriage, is not passive. Once the dance lead (an invitation) is given, the follower executes the move by her own effort. In marriage, consider the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31. “She is energetic and strong, a hard worker,” reads verse 17 in the New International Version (NIV). “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness,” says verse 27.

In Christian marriage, the scriptural references to a wife’s submission to her husband may be misconceived in a similar way to the follower’s role in dancing. While wives are instructed to submit to their husbands’ God-given leadership, it is not meant to be a passive stance. It is voluntary, intentional and active.

“Wives often tell me that if they submit to their husbands, it means burying their brains and becoming a doormat,” writes Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in Love and Respect, addressing a misconception about submission. His book explains the biblical definitions of hierarchy and authority by which God created marriage relationships to work. To submit “simply means recognizing the husband’s biblically given authority,” he writes, and does not mean being a doormat.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance