Tag Archives: intimacy

Intended for Intimacy

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On my most recent post, The Great Adventure, a reader commented: “Marriage provides constant opportunity for emotional risk-taking.” His words provide the perfect segue for this new post on intimacy.

Now each reader most likely has his or her own definition of and associations with that term, so for the purpose of this blog post I am using the term to refer to close familiarity or relationship; closeness. That’s intimacy in the broadest terms which can encompass the more specific aspects of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.

I believe the blog comment introduces this topic perfectly because emotional risk-taking is necessary for intimacy. Deep down, we all crave close connections with others (including God and our spouse) yet we fear it at the same time. Continue reading →

“We Were Made for This” Redux

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In the previous post titled We Were Made for This, I wrote about how traditional partner dancing affirms both masculinity and femininity. Recently, I realized that the title phrase has a much broader application than simply affirming individual gender roles.

The realization goes back to an epiphany I had while dancing a few years ago. As I was dancing in perfect synchronization with my partner and with the infectious music, I had a moment of revelation: “This is how you were created to live.”

That insight was a spark that ignited MarriageDance. Our Creator made us to dance.
Now, you might be thinking … I don’t dance. And while dance is my “thing” and I have no doubt I was made for it, I realize that everyone out there does not feel the same way. But whether or not you physically move to music, I believe dance embodies qualities of life that our Creator intends for everyone.

Dance is joyful and fun. It’s adventurous. Most people have some trepidation at one time or another about getting out on the dance floor, hence the common proverb, “Dance like no one is watching.”

There’s more to dance than what you see. I recently observed a dance competition, and I could tell a difference between those who were following a set of choreographed steps and those who were truly dancing. This “more than meets the eye” quality embodies a connection with something or someone beyond ourselves.

Our Creator made us for joy, adventure and a deep-rooted connection with Himself and with other people — including a notably distinct connection with a partner in marriage.

In the words of a best-selling country pop song recorded by Lee Ann Womack, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance — I hope you dance.”

Conversation without words

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In a blog post titled Friends with Benefits, Mark Driscoll, a pastor at Mars Hill Church in California, explains three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder and face-to-face. Here’s how he describes them:

A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live
separately and do not work together (shoulder to shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face to face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.

A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple

works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.

A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship and intimacy.

When I read this, I recognized a correlation with dance as a picture of marriage. Dancing with your spouse is primarily a face-to-face experience. If your marriage is characterized as back-to-back or shoulder-to-shoulder, dancing face-to-face with your partner may feel awkward, even invasive, at first. However, it could be a first step toward transforming your marriage to a deeper level. If your marriage is already characterized as face-to-face, then dancing can add a new element of intimacy and intrigue to your relationship.
The depth of intimacy is a key factor distinguishing these kinds of marriages. And as Driscoll  writes in his post, “intimacy is ultimately about conversing.” The topics of conversation in a relationship change as intimacy grows. Driscoll writes:

When a relationship becomes most intimate, we begin to share our feelings. We become vulnerable with someone, telling him or her not just what we do (facts) and what we believe (opinions), but who we are (feelings).

Dance is a conversation in its own right, essentially a non-verbal conversation. If you want to increase your face-to-face time and take steps to greater intimacy in your marriage, try this conversation without words.

Would Dance Lessons Benefit your Marriage?

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Have you taken dance lessons with your spouse? What was your experience?

At a conference I attended, I met a woman who willingly shared her story after I mentioned the concepts of this blog. She described how dance lessons with her husband reflected the bigger picture in their relationship.

Explaining that her husband’s personality was easygoing and somewhat timid, she indicated these characteristics were displayed in their lessons as they are in life. With her encouragement in the lessons, he began to assert himself in his leadership role. As he grew more comfortable doing so in the dance, she started noticing a change in him overall. To her delight, he began to be more bold and assertive in their relationship.

If you want to grow in partnership with your spouse, consider dance lessons. The experience provides an opportunity to try out something new … more than just new dance steps. A couple I know applied their experience from dance lessons to their give and take in disagreements. “It made a difference with our first fight,” said the husband. “We do a better job of communicating in conflict.”

In a post on his Complete Life Fitness blog, coach Stuart Palmer writes about an observation of couples he and his wife have instructed in dance: “… we continue to see that couples who dance together generally have better relationships and deeper intimacy. Not only that, but just about every couple we’ve taught proclaims that learning to dance together parallels learning to have a better relationship.”

Have dance lessons with your spouse impacted your marriage, for better or worse? Please share your experiences!

Copr 2011 MarriageDance

Five Reasons to Learn to Dance with your Spouse

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In case you need some encouragement for learning to dance with your spouse, here are five great reasons:

1. Dancing is a celebration documented in scripture. As Christians, we celebrate Christ’s birth on December 25, but we have reasons to celebrate all year. Through Christ, our God has blessed us with generous gifts of life, freedom, victory, peace and much more worth celebrating.

2. Enjoying a new recreational activity together can rekindle the romance that brought you together in the first place. Social psychologists at the State University of New York at Stony Brook found that to be the case. Read more.

3. Dancing is a great way to speak the love language of “physical touch.” If this is a primary love language of you or your spouse, dancing will add a new spark to your relationship. Don’t know your love language? Find out here.

4. It’s not as difficult as you may think. Men are usually more hesitant about dancing than women. But in dance workshops I held this year, men were pleasantly surprised to learn that not only could they dance but they actually enjoyed it. Learning a few fundamentals about how dance works, rather than just dance steps, made the difference for them.

5. If you’re still not convinced, watch this fun video for reason number five. Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for sharing it!

What other reasons can you add?

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Operating on Autopilot?

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A recent experience showed me another lesson from the dance floor that I find applicable to Christian marriage.

I have been dancing for more than 12 years, and during that time many dance steps have become second nature to me. Dancers and athletes aspire to this point when movements are committed to muscle memory, when certain activities or actions are so familiar that they become automatic.

A few weeks ago, a turn of events brought to mind exactly how much I dance on autopilot. My planned dance partner had a medical emergency and was unable to participate in the group lessons we were scheduled to instruct. By God’s grace, I was able to find a dance partner to take his place at the last minute, but I was called upon to lead more of the instruction. It was a challenge to instruct beginning dancers on the steps that had become automatic for me over the years.

Are there steps in your marriage that have become second nature to you? In what ways are you operating on autopilot, and are those ways beneficial or damaging to your relationship? If your autopilot is directing you to act in loving and considerate ways toward your spouse, great! Unfortunately, it is equally as easy for the autopilot to operate in ways less beneficial to your partnership.

Incorrect dance steps can become committed to muscle memory as well as the correct ones. Once that is the case, it can be difficult to unlearn the old habits and relearn the steps correctly.

Wherever you are in your marriage, it’s a good idea to take an occasional inventory of how your autopilot is operating. Identify any bad habits you’ve acquired, and start to learn and practice new steps to replace them. Be graceful and forgiving with each other during the learning.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance