Tag Archives: dance

When Marriage Is Not a Beautiful Dance

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“Beautiful when done right,” commented a recent workshop participant regarding the correlation between marriage and dance.

It’s true that both dance and Christian marriage are objects of beauty when done well, but conversely either can be corrupted and unpleasant.

In a recent blog post entitled The Dark Side of Submission, Lee Grady cites examples of how misinterpretation of the scriptures on the husband’s headship has resulted in abuse of women.

“Traditionalists assume that a Christian marriage is defined as a dominant husband who makes all family decisions while the wife graciously obeys without input. Yet Scripture actually portrays marriage as a loving partnership … ,” he writes.

His post is a reminder that we live in a fallen world where Christian marriages are not always the beautiful dance that they could be.

“Headship, in its essence, is not about ‘who’s the boss.’ Rather it refers to the Genesis account of Eve being taken from Adam’s side. The husband is the ‘source’ of the wife because she originated from him, and she is intimately connected to him in a mystical union that is unlike any other human relationship,” Grady writes.

“Truly Christian marriages, according to the apostle Paul, involve a tender, servant-hearted and unselfish husband who (1) loves his wife ‘just as Christ also loved the church;’ (2) loves her as his own body; and (3) loves her as himself (see Eph. 5:25, 28 33). He stands alongside his wife in faithfulness, and she joyfully respects her husband because he can be trusted. And the two become one.”

Dancing in partnership can provide a picture of this beautiful, active, loving and respectful relationship as it was intended by our Creator.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Stepping On Toes

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If you’ve danced with a partner, regardless of the dance style or tempo, you have almost certainly had the experience of a partner stepping on your foot or toe.

Hopefully, none of those incidents has resulted in an injury. Having danced socially for more than 12 years, I am thankful for that to be true in my case.

When a dance partner steps on your foot, how do you react? The most common reaction in my experience—a simple apology then moving on with the dance.

In comparing Christian marriage to a dance, I believe that spouses can learn from the dance floor incidents. How do you manage conflict in your relationship? When your spouse “steps on your foot,” do you react in anger? Does the misstep keep you from continuing with the dance?

As spouses and dance partners, we will step on each other’s toes – both on and off the dance floor. Conflict is inevitable; it’s how you handle the conflict that makes the difference.

I believe the instruction given to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21 is applicable here. In The Message, this verse reads: “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.”

An attitude of courteous reverence for your spouse, particularly in times of conflict, will help keep you dancing together.

The most commonly used English term in this verse is submit, as in the NIV: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Curiously from the dance perspective, the same verse in the New International Reader’s Version is: “Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ.”

Whether you are leading or following, there are some lessons to be learned from the dance floor about conflict management. Here are a few I’ve identified (with the help of some workshop participants):

  • Communicate. Ask your partner kindly to get off your foot.
  • Choose to get off of your partner’s foot when asked.
  • Accept the apology when it is offered.
  • Like learning to dance, learning to relate to one another and manage conflict in marriage takes many years of practice.
  • Recognize a misstep for what it is. Don’t blow it out of proportion.
  • Adopt a graceful and forgiving attitude toward your partner.
  • Pick up where you left off when the misstep occurred, and keep dancing.

What are some others?

Copr MarriageDance 2009

A Challenge to Leaders: Facilitate Brilliance

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“As a leader your job isn’t to be brilliant. Your job is to facilitate the brilliance of others,” said Ron Carucci, a consultant and teacher in the field of organizational behavior. His comment was made in the context of business. However, I find the thought applicable to this discussion of partner dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage.

Having difficulty making the connection? Consider this passage from The Message:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

Husbands are instructed here to emulate Christ who evokes the beauty of his bride. In other words, a husband – as leader of his household – is to facilitate his wife’s brilliance.

I’ve frequently heard dancers describe roles in this way: The woman is the picture; the man is the frame. While a frame provides structure and protection for the work of art it encloses, it also offers a complimentary element that focuses a viewer’s attention on the art itself. The frame helps facilitate the art work’s brilliance.

In a recent workshop discussing the Ephesians passage, one husband concluded: “When she looks good, we look good.” Another commented: “As I elevate her and she looks more beautiful, I am elevated as well. Leading lovingly is the best thing I can do for both of us.”

Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, put it this way. “When you look into the face of a man’s wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her is reflected in her countenance.”

He has the opportunity, as a leader on and off the dance floor, to facilitate brilliance.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

We Were Made For This

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I’ve had numerous conversations with female friends who dance, and we all agree. Partner dancing affirms our femininity. We love that princess-like feeling resulting from a chivalrous invitation to dance followed by being gracefully led around the dance floor for a few brief minutes (the length of a song). We walk out of the door with our heads held higher from the experience, feeling beautiful even if we were not wearing a formal gown or it had been a bad-hair day.

What I didn’t know was if men were affirmed in their masculinity through dance. So I finally asked the question. The particular group of men I asked were Christians, new to dance and participating in a dance workshop with their wives. Their answer seemed to be unanimous. Yes, dancing affirmed their masculinity. Why? There are not many circumstances in life where they were unequivocally the “leader,” where they are given permission to lead without any question or hesitation.

The results of my quick survey are completely unscientific, of course. But even so, it begs the question: Why does dancing affirm us in our femininity and masculinity? My theory is we were made for this. Men were designed by our Creator to be leaders; women were designed by our Creator to be helpers and responders. The male-female  dance partnership reflects our God-intended roles as men and women, so when we dance we feel affirmed in who we were made to be.

This is not a welcomed or celebrated message in our time and place in history. There is much argument and debate over “gender roles,” and scriptural guidelines are often regarded as archaic and irrelevant.

In a humorously titled blog post, Woman! Know Your Role, the author finds that submission (as referenced in Ephesians 5) often looks different than what she expected. She gives the following examples:

I recently had an epiphany about the times my husband has said to me, “Where do you want to go for dinner?” And I refused to decide, thus refusing to submit to a simple request he’d made of me. So what I actually thought was submission was not, because he asked me for input and I wouldn’t give it to him. Or many times Adam has told me to leave the dishes and let him clean the kitchen after a dinner I’ve made. Guess what I used to do? Ignore him completely. When I thought I was serving him by continuing to clean, what I was communicating was that I didn’t regard his requests enough to comply with them, not even when they were to my benefit.

She concludes: “Honor and esteem your role, ladies. It is a high calling and one that should be embraced.” Likewise, I would encourage men to embrace their God-intended role. I think we will each find that when we do, as in dance, we are affirmed in who we are created to be.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

A Helper Suitable for the Dance

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A colleague asked me recently in conversation, “In what way is the woman a ‘helper’ in the dance?” The source of the question is Genesis 2:18: “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (NIV)

Her question was associated with my look at dance as a metaphor for marriage. While the man takes the leading role in the dance, the woman must be an active and intentional helper in numerous ways.

First of all, she helps by carrying her own weight and actively participating in the dance. As the follower, she is not dependent on him to move her weight across the floor. This helps him move more freely and easily himself while also guiding her.

Secondly, she maintains good posture and muscle tone, staying connecting to him through the dance frame. This helps the man communicate the lead, as the frame is the channel of communication between them.

Additionally, in many dances, the partners are facing opposite directions and are slightly offset from one another. In this way, the woman is able to see behind the man. She helps him by alerting him to anything that might be an obstacle or threat (such as an approaching couple on a crowded dance floor). Since dancers move forward, backward and sideways, it is helpful to have both sets of eyes engaged and watching for possible interference. In keeping with the spirit of the verse in Genesis, dancers can tell you without question that two work better than one here.

Like in marriage, the dancing couple works in partnership. The male and female roles are distinct and different in dance and in Christian marriage, and the partnership works best in both with active and intentional participation, communication and engagement from each person.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Separate but Equal, part 2

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In God on Sex, Daniel Akin writes:

Men and women really are different. … We are different and different by design; it is the way God made us and the way God intended. He did make us male and female and declared it a good thing. (Gen. 1:27)

According to the design, scripture assigns separate roles and gives distinct instructions to husbands and wives. Traditional partner dance reflects the difference as well by giving separate roles to men and women.

When one role is considered more important or prestigious than the other, it becomes controversial, particularly in the current American culture. In fact, it is the man who is given the leadership responsibility in scripture and in dance. Does that outrank the follower’s role?

In Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs addresses the controversy often associated with the reference to women as the “weaker partner” in 1 Peter 3:7. He writes: “… Peter makes a comparative statement, not a qualitative one.”

Eggerichs continues this discussion by using the example of two bowls: one made of porcelain and the other made of copper. “The husband is copper; the wife is porcelain. It’s not that she is of less value—in fact, a porcelain bowl can sometimes have greater value than a copper bowl,” he writes. “The bowls are different and have different functions in different settings.”

Likewise, in the dance partnership and in marriage, men and women have distinct functions. Their roles are different, but each role is equally valuable and integral to the dance and to the relationship. When the differences are embraced in a complementary partnership, the result can be beautiful.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance