A Challenge to Leaders: Facilitate Brilliance

“As a leader your job isn’t to be brilliant. Your job is to facilitate the brilliance of others,” said Ron Carucci, a consultant and teacher in the field of organizational behavior. His comment was made in the context of business. However, I find the thought applicable to this discussion of partner dance as a metaphor for Christian marriage.

Having difficulty making the connection? Consider this passage from The Message:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

Husbands are instructed here to emulate Christ who evokes the beauty of his bride. In other words, a husband – as leader of his household – is to facilitate his wife’s brilliance.

I’ve frequently heard dancers describe roles in this way: The woman is the picture; the man is the frame. While a frame provides structure and protection for the work of art it encloses, it also offers a complimentary element that focuses a viewer’s attention on the art itself. The frame helps facilitate the art work’s brilliance.

In a recent workshop discussing the Ephesians passage, one husband concluded: “When she looks good, we look good.” Another commented: “As I elevate her and she looks more beautiful, I am elevated as well. Leading lovingly is the best thing I can do for both of us.”

Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, put it this way. “When you look into the face of a man’s wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her is reflected in her countenance.”

He has the opportunity, as a leader on and off the dance floor, to facilitate brilliance.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

A Helper Suitable for the Dance

A colleague asked me recently in conversation, “In what way is the woman a ‘helper’ in the dance?” The source of the question is Genesis 2:18: “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (NIV)

Her question was associated with my look at dance as a metaphor for marriage. While the man takes the leading role in the dance, the woman must be an active and intentional helper in numerous ways.

First of all, she helps by carrying her own weight and actively participating in the dance. As the follower, she is not dependent on him to move her weight across the floor. This helps him move more freely and easily himself while also guiding her.

Secondly, she maintains good posture and muscle tone, staying connecting to him through the dance frame. This helps the man communicate the lead, as the frame is the channel of communication between them.

Additionally, in many dances, the partners are facing opposite directions and are slightly offset from one another. In this way, the woman is able to see behind the man. She helps him by alerting him to anything that might be an obstacle or threat (such as an approaching couple on a crowded dance floor). Since dancers move forward, backward and sideways, it is helpful to have both sets of eyes engaged and watching for possible interference. In keeping with the spirit of the verse in Genesis, dancers can tell you without question that two work better than one here.

Like in marriage, the dancing couple works in partnership. The male and female roles are distinct and different in dance and in Christian marriage, and the partnership works best in both with active and intentional participation, communication and engagement from each person.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

The Framework of Communication

Whether in dance or marriage, effective communication between partners is fundamental.

A couple recently learning to dance discovered the “secret” was in the communication which comes from the connection or dance frame.

The frame is created by four points of connection between the dancing couple. When these connection points are solid and secure, better communication – and dancing – will result. The connection points create the channel through which the leader indicates the dance steps he is planning.

To keep these connection points working and the lines of communication open, both leader and follower must have the proper posture and muscle tone. Neither partner can shoulder the entire responsibility for maintaining open lines of communication; it must be a mutual endeavor.

This connection, and a unified effort to respond to the music, creates the dance. The specific steps are insignificant as long as the leader is leading, the follower is following and both are dancing to the same song.

Communication is a lifeline in a unified marriage as well. “We need to be solid together in the core of our union and let the dance flow from there,” said one partner in the couple learning to dance. “Becoming one … on the dance floor and in our unions as husband and wife … is the only way to truly be successful in either endeavor.”

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Separate But Equal

Dance, like marriage, is about giving and taking … a cooperation of two people in balance as a unit. The balance of give and take creates a cooperative environment wherein each works with the other in complementary roles to dance in unison.

I received these comments from a dancing friend in response to one of my posts. They remind me that an inviting lead and a receptive follow are integral to the dance. The two roles are clearly distinct and equally valuable.

Imagine the results of one dance partner “gone bad.” Without a clear leader, the dancing couple would not move or, in the case of a contest of wills, the dance would become a tug of war. Without a willing follower, the leader would resort to pulling, pushing or dragging or else give up the dance altogether.

But when partners fulfill their individual roles with a spirit of cooperation, the result is graceful movement across the dance floor as a single unit.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 (NIV) Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

Purposefully and in his image, our Creator crafted men and women distinctly, separate but equally valuable, intended to work together in a complementary partnership.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Sharing Dancers’ Insights

There are times when I wonder if I’m off-base on this metaphorical comparison of dancing and marriage. But I was reassured when I discovered a couple of dancers’ blogs recently. I am posting some of the comments I found reassuring so you can decide for yourself.

From heartysoul.wordpress.com/2007/02/12/osteopathic-lindy/

The BEST leaders … are the ones who are highly skilled and pay attention to their follower. And the BEST followers are those who can respond to the slightest movement and share in the creativity of the dance.

Every dance you have, the person you are dancing with should be your top priority. Connecting to the music initiates a common rhythm. Then what the dancers bring to the floor and share with each other creates the completely indescribable, inspirational, temporary piece of moving art.

Although social dancing is lead-follow, the percentage that each person contributes to the success of a dance is about 51% leader to 49% follower. The leader decides what move to do, but the follower has to respond. In order to have a decent dance, the leader needs to understand his partner, know what her skill level is and listen to her. Followers can send signals if she has a good idea or if she’s not happy. The follower has to give up some of her own control and trust the leader. Trust brings some amazing surprises and delight.

From swingscene.wordpress.com/2007/04/17/in-theory/

… as a leader you have to take care of your follower. You are dancing for her, she is not dancing for you. I’ve found that when I think this, when I approach a dance and make it about her and her enjoyment I have a lot better dance, I am much more creative, I connect much better, regardless of her level. But when I approach a dance with an expectation that I’m going to get something from the dance, and look to her to connect with me the way I want to, when I expect, or worse, demand that she follow me a specific way, the dance is usually crap; it becomes wholly unfulfilling.

I expect the reverse holds true too. If I were a follower I would have much better dances if each time I worked to connect with my leader exclusively and regardless of my leaders efforts to connect at my level.

And then the theory holds true, if the leader strives to reach the follower where she is, and the follower reciprocates, but each independent of the other, that’s when there is magic on the (dance) floor.

What marriage advice could be drawn from these comments about dancing? Click on the “responses” link below to add your thoughts.

Copr 2009 MarriageDance

Thoughts On Leading

Men dance with their brain, women dance from a kinesthetic feeling, explains Peter DiFalco, a Master Instructor whose entire career was devoted to performing and instructing dance. His insistent word to followers: Never chat with the leader on the dance floor because he has enough things to think about without having to socialize with you.

It is true on the dance floor as in life, the leader has great responsibility. In dancing, he must lead the follower through the current step at the same time as deciding the next step and preparing to lead it. He must also navigate the couple around the dance floor which at a social dance means avoiding potential collisions with other couples on the floor.

I frequently tell leaders I dance with that they have the more difficult job; as a follower, all I have to do is follow. (They usually disagree with me, thinking that following would be more difficult. I wonder how many of them have ever actually tried it!)

In order that I not discourage potential new dancers here (particularly leaders), I understand that some of these responsibilities become “second nature” over time. Do leadership skills in life and marriage become “second nature” when practiced consistently over time?

In Take the Lead, the 2006 movie starring Antonio Banderas, the instructor explains to the student leader: The lead is an invitation not a command.

A dance lead is not pushing, pulling or dragging; the lead must be communicated clearly so the follower can execute the move by her own effort.

How do these dance principles correlate to marriage? According to Biblical principles, a leader is a servant not a dictator. Godly leadership encourages and empowers followers. It does not belittle or threaten. A Godly husband recognizes and values the individuality of his wife. Without this, the dance analogy breaks down. There is no grace in coercion and intimidation.

Copr. 2009 MarriageDance